Appetite

After being sick, Adam's appetite declined drastically and I was tetering back and forth between the "just a phase" mentality and "true concern." While he had been eating fine at daycare, his desire for breakfast and dinner where almost non-existent. Then on Monday I made "spaghetti" with mini penne instead of spaghetti noodles, and he ate (instead of drank) his dinner. He avoided the peas and danced around the chunks of meat and went straight for the pasta, but that was fine.

So when I reheated leftovers for dinner last night, I didn't have my hopes up too high for a clean plate when I set huge helpings down in front of him... but he devoured the entire meal, peas, meat, and all, and then scarfed down a whole cup of pears immediately after.

I had to forgo the never-ending pursuit of table manners in order to keep the peace and allow him to eat his dinner at his leisure. I would hate to squash Adam's free spirit and because I've truly just gotten tired of saying "no" when it's not a life-or-death situation, I decided that there are sometimes way more important things than table manners... especially when it's just me and him at the dinner table anyway, and he happened to get his irresistible urge to put his feet on the table from me (genetics are crazy things).

This face makes me laugh.



So... Lesson Learned 15: Pick your battles. Even if it means you have to eat dinner next to two huge baby feet.

We Don't Do Things Just a Little Bit Around Here

Let's run through the list of illnesses that a tiny child can have/catch in just 15 months.

Developmental Dysplasia of the Hip

Cold (@ 3 weeks old)

Sinus Infections (x20 - I wish I were exaggerating)

Bronchitis (x2)

SEVERE acid reflux (for 9 months)

Roseola

Double Ear Infection

RSV

The Flu

Stomach Bug (x3 - I've heard stories of parents with 5 year olds who have never had to clean up vomit, and this bewilders me. While we haven't had to clean up any throw up for a while, there for the first 13 months it was a weekly occurance, almost. You just look at Adam wrong and his gag reflex goes to work.)

Severe Allergies (which also causes us to break out the nebulizer for frequent breathing treatments - we now get Inhalation Solution (Xopenex) in bulk.)

Severely Sensitive Skin (Johnson's & Johnson's is like fire on his skin and don't even think about coming near him with any type of baby wipe other than Pamper's Sensitive)

Pneumonia

Strep Throat

and for the finale...

Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease.

That's right. I said it. Adam caught it. We believe it started Monday and from what our pediatrician says, he has a pretty severe case of it. Of course, like fools... Shannon and I started to get our hopes up that the low grade fevers and drooling were related to teething (of course not) instead of a sickness -- you could call us the enternal optimists.  And I felt so bad when she told me that the drooling happens with this illness because their mouth hurts so bad they can hardly swallow. It put all the pieces together for me because we were bewildered about why he was grimacing like crazy when drinking his milk yesterday.

Of course, with the foot-hand-mouth disease comes bad blisters in the diaper area and a nasty rash around his mouth, on his wrists and on his feet. But we were able to take care of that pretty quickly and it's already starting to go away.

We have a tough little guy, and while he's absolutely miserable, cranky, and doesn't feel well, it doesn't hinder him too much...

Robin came over this week and took notes about how to play fantasy football. Adam climbed on Robin and stole her pen and showed her how he can act crazy. Well, since Adam just loves to do whatever Aunt Robin does... wear a purse, wear bracelets, put your hands over people's faces... the next day sought out a pen (on his own, he was rummaging through my purse) and a piece of paper, and came into the living room to "write."

We have also started giving him time outs from his golf set. He loves it, but sometimes can get a little excited and use the golf clubs to hit, or stick the golf balls all the way in his mouth, or I just simply get sick of tripping over all the pieces to it all over the house - usually in the kitchen where he tries to use the clubs to knock things off the counter tops. So we stick the set up on a dresser in the living room. Does that stop Adam? No. Of course not. It only gives him more practice for his future as a professional rock climber.

When Adam is sick I am able to work from home, but it is not a glamorous as it may sound. Working from home is a luxury, but is the equivalent of trying to do two full time jobs at once, in an inconvenient location. I am incredibly lucky that I have the flexibility and option... but have had to get fairly creative for ways to keep this busy little boy entertained... today I gave him his favorite toy... my wallet.... and let him dig through it as long as he wanted. And while on a conference call, I got a large diaper bag and filled it full of things so he could dig through it.

Because yesterday when Lily sent me a link to the theme song to Toy Story, Adam was immediately mesmerized just by the song when I played it. So I turned on Toy Story 3 this afternoon, on the off chance that he might stop and look at it every few minutes. He got quiet, I couldn't see him, and I figured he must have found an open door and was dunking something in the toilet somewhere. I got up to look for him, and found him glued to Toy Story. He's addicted, and for all the types of shows he could be attracted to, I am fully on board for a Toy Story addict. He basically watched the whole movie, only taking his eyes off the screen long enough to bring me his empty cup and ask for "juice."

Big Trouble

On Friday night when I was going out to hang out with Valerie for a long overdue hang-out-and-chat, my car wouldn't start. I knew it was coming so it didn't surprise me, but considering all the things that have broken around here (air conditioner just 5 days prior) or that have needed to be paid off or bought, needless to say it's an annoyance. So I took Shannon's truck to meet Valerie (with stern directions and a concerned look on his face as he sent me off), and the next morning he was out there buying a new battery for my car and installing it. Luckily it happened at home and I wasn't stuck on the Tollway or 635 or anything like that. And luckily it was something Shannon could fix (although... I'm starting to wonder if there's anything Shannon can't fix).


On Sunday we made a quick trip over to my parent's house to see my brother, who was in town briefly on his way from San Marcos back to Tennessee. Adam enjoyed socializing with Chris and liked to play telephone with him. On the way back home Shannon stopped at Home Depot and ran in quickly while Adam and I hung out in the car. We played ball and goofed off, and I took some pictures... and when Adam is in the mood, he can really turn on the charm and give me a photo shoot.

Yesterday Adam slept on the big boy cot at daycare. I am amazed that he can do that already. He's drooling like crazy and running a low grade fever off and on... last night he just wasn't himself. So maybe... just maybe... by his 16 month "birthday" maybe he'll acquire tooth number 3. I don't have my hopes up too high though - he always tricks me.

I can proudly say that I've overcome the fear when he picks up a grape on the floor and sticks it in his mouth (after 7 months of seeing it you kinda get there). My heart doesn't skip a beat when he falls flat on his face when he's running through the house (he usually pops up laughing anyway) or when he crawls on top of the coffee table (this kid is athletic with an incredible sense of balance). I can say that usually I laugh at his tantrums, which are the slow-motion-melt-to-the-floor-head-first kind. If I'm not laughing, I just step over him and keep going. No problem.

But this new face is a killer. This "I-didn't-mean-to-get-in-trouble-and-I'm-sorry" face twists at my heart and can make me succumb to his every whim. I was cooking dinner last night and he had pulled out a large empty drawer in the kitchen and was standing in it. I turned around, and without raising my voice or being stern, I just said (probably incredulously), "Adam, what are you doing??" He put his head down, stuck his lower lip out slightly, raised his eyebrows and looked up and to the side, and my heart broke. So I picked him up and gave him a hug. That face is a heart-breaker. Wish me luck.

Sometimes Adam gets his "hugs" and "kisses" mixed up. Usually he has them down... but sometimes if I ask for a hug he puckers his lips together. (He doesn't really give me a kiss, but at least he paused his playing long enough to pucker at me from across the room). Then I melt. I'm smitten, he knows it, and I'm in big trouble.

Two years ago today I found out I was pregnant with Adam ... and now he can do all of these things. Last night, like I do every night, I picked him up and stood by Shannon and told him, "Give Daddy a hug and kiss night night." He said, no joke: "Night, night, Daddy," before giving him a hug. Now he's a little person. A great little person. It's just going way too fast.

Welcome Home

Last weekend I traveled to Kansas with my mom to see my Aunt (Becky) and cousins (Amanda & Tracy), and met a new friend (Amber). We went on one of the most fun "Treasure Hunts" I've ever been on (which even rivaled some of the best pub crawls I've ever been on). I had an amazing time and even though I didn't catch up on sleep (much), I got to "reset" emotionally and came back missing Adam and Shannon more than ever.

But I got videos and pictures and stories while I was gone, and Shannon and Adam bonded by going to breakfast and getting some things at Home Depot and working on the house.... and read book, after book, after book that Adam pulled off the shelf and brought to Daddy to read. Oh, and they golfed in the den after Adam learned that you don't hit people with the golf clubs.

When I came home, Adam was standing at the laundry room door with his face pressed up against it (he hears the garage door open and knows that someone is home). I opened the door and I thought the grin would overflow off of his face. He flung his hands up desperately in excitement and squealed. And I was the happiest person that ever lived.

Then he showed off for me by showing me that dad had taught him to put his books "away," on the bookshelf. We get one put away for every three that come off the shelf, but still... that's impressive enough for me.

And THEN, for the milestone of the month... Adam is pacifier FREE. While I was gone, Adam took a nap without one, then went to bed without one, and never blinked. Since last Saturday, pacifiers are not necessary. Of course, we still have them in the house in case of sickness, bad days, or bad travelling... but otherwise they are not even touched. I think I'm sadder about it than he is. He doesn't even care.

This week Adam has been pretty quiet, but has said "home," "away," and "car" (but not consistently enough for me to count them as words). When we pull into the driveway every evening after work/school, he squeals when he sees the fence to our house and says "DAD-DAD-DAD-DAD" with excited, short breaths in between syllables like he's almost hyperventilating with excitement. It's even more exaggerated when Shannon's truck is actually in the driveway. We're working on saying "Mom," more often and not ONLY when he's annoyed or pissed off at something. So far, I can say that we've made little to no progress in that initiative.

I burned a Raffi CD for Adam last night with the classics, "Wheels on the Bus," "He's Got the Whole World," and of course, "Baby Beluga." In the process of this mini-project, I reintroduced myself to a song that I loved when I was little - "This Little Light of Mine." While I cannot sing, this one doesn't require a lot of vocal gymnastics so I sang it to Adam last night before bed. I had been trying to figure out a song that I might be able to use as a lullaby, and after hearing suggestions that simply aren't "me," ("Jesus Loves Me," "Rock-A-Bye, Baby," "Twinkle, Twinkle," etc.) I think this one will work out best for our personalities. Funny how you find things when you aren't looking for them.

However, Adam's favorite songs are still Row, Row, Row Your Boat (He rocks back and forth on his legs and says "ro ro ro ro ro") and the Itsy Bitsy Spider (which he really doesn't sing, but when he wants me to sing it he looks at me and puts his hands together to make the spider and raises it above his head when he's supposed to. Shannon said that the other day he actually did the "wash the spider out" part too).

My camera cord is still missing, and I'm more sad about that than you might expect... so I don't have any new pictures. My suspicion is that Mr. Adam found the cord and either threw it away for us or stuck it somewhere that we'll come across in 2 months. Cross your fingers for me that it will reveal itself sooner than that.

When it Rains

Lesson Learned #13: When it rains, it pours.

Except in the case of this long, hot, dry summer, when long means unending, hot means extra hot, and dry means suffocating drought. We are surviving... although when I look back over the last 15 months, it's hard to see how. Without a long, drawn out story, I've put together a word collage to describe how the last few months have been for us and our nuclear families.

Cesarean Section
Developmental Dysplasia of the Hip
Pavlik Harness
X-Rays
Funeral
Guillain-Barre Syndrome
Leaky Roof
Acid Reflux
Cancer
Bronchitis
Sinus Infection (x15)
Cancer (another one)
EKG
MRI
Funeral (another one)
Ear Infection (dog)
RSV
Resignation
Cavities
Pneumonia
Broken Water Heater
Ear Infection (kid)
Resignation (another one)
Wisdom Teeth Removal
Roommate Abandonment

Surgery
ICU
Broken Finger
Endometriosis
Chronic Allergies
Breathing Treatments (x100)
Sensitive Skin (special baby soap = expensive baby soap)
Broken Air Conditioner
Nightmares

And now my car is making a funny clicking noise before it starts and poor Caley has some kind of skin tag/growth on her lip that will get checked out on Monday. It's no wonder we are sleep deprived and broke. It makes sense than Shannon and I offer each other a million dollars for the other one to go comfort Adam when he wakes up every morning around 2 am. My tab is very large.

Of course there have been amazing things as well - Adam's birth, a wedding, vacations, new jobs, new opportunities, trips with friends, paid off a car, healing, birthdays, and of course, each other.

Lesson Learned #14: When you feel like crying, laugh instead.

My Tiny Person

This weekend I'm getting on a plane and flying away for a few days with my mom, to see my aunt and cousins. This will be the longest time away from Adam, and while I know he will be fine, and Shannon will be great, and I will have a great time, I still worry that I'll wake up tomorrow morning not knowing what to do with myself.

I'm getting in my fill of his smiles, sneaking in as many hugs and kisses as possible, and trying to imagine what it will be like to travel with only one bag, to sit by the pool without chasing a tiny person, worrying about his sunscreen or whether he's hydrated enough. I can't remember what it's like to have a hang over (unplanned, of course) without someone interrupting my morning of misery and self-loathing by hitting me on the head with a book or a toy car... oh man, but I will miss the giggles and the playtime. Shannon better send me lots of pictures. :)

Adam is still waking up once or twice a night - if it's not at 2 am, it's around 4:30 - 5am each morning (or both 2am and 5am) and we think we've narrowed down the issue to two alternating problems - nightmares and being scared, or being too cold. He's not hungry or dirty but he doesn't want to be alone or he wants to cuddle. We got a new night light for his room, which he LOVES, and last night I after cuddling him to warm him up at 5:30 this morning I wrapped him like a burrito in two fluffy blankets and he immediately went right back to sleep. We'll get there... hopefully.

In the meantime, nothing much is new. Adam has figured out the dog door is a portal to the outside and uses it frequently to go in and out (I have video, but can't find my camera cable to the computer so will have to post another time). It's hot so we play outside in the shade, and usually Adam is stripped down because he likes to jump into every bucket of water he can find.

Every morning, Adam eats breakfast (a fruit and a waffle or piece of toast), gets dressed, and then runs into his room to grab his new car night light and push it around the house.

Every morning I put on his shoes, drive 2 minutes to daycare, and find a barefooted little boy in the backseat, grinning like he always does. I don't blame him - shoes are a pain.

If you say, "see you later," he waves "bye," if you grab your keys or he finds your keys, he grabs them, goes to the door and says "bye bye," and if he finds my purse or his backpack he throws it over his shoulders and walks towards the door to the garage. If he finds anything circular he puts it on his wrists because Aunt Robin taught him about her bracelets. If you ask him to throw something away he'll take it to the trash can. If it's especially interesting, he has a hard time letting go, but he knows what "trash" and "throw away" mean, and is desperate to be helpful.

Hey Mom, I found this cord in your purse. Do I look cool?

If you ask him if he wants to read a book he'll go directly to his bookshelf, pick one out, and bring it to you to read to him. If you read him his "Going to Bed" book and get to the page that has no pictures but says, "The day is done. They say good night. Now somebody turns off the light." He smiles and stares at the page, then says "ni ni," and puts his head on the book to give it a hug. When you turn the page, he flips it back to that page.

Reading before school

His two new books: Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? and Where is My Cat?

Below are some more pictures of him last night -- the first Cowboys pre-season game, Adam's new Cowboys outfit (which was dirty before the game started), his new kicks, and fajitas for dinner, which he inhaled and had seconds...



15 Months Old

Today at Adam's 15 month check up, his pediatrician told me that Adam "is basically a two year old stuck with a 15 month old's birthday."

Adam is like a two-year old in his social development (he interacts and talks with other children his age instead of ignoring them and only doing side-by-side play), his speech development, his manual dexterity -- he's doing really well with the fork and spoon and yesterday I saw him pick up four grapes off the floor using only one hand and put them on the coffee table --his curiosity/exploration/inquisitiveness is extremely advanced, his testing boundaries and temper tantrums is about on par with a two-year old's, and he's even physically the size of about a 22 month old and is wearing 2T size clothing now.

It seems the only thing Adam is not advanced in is in the teeth department. He still has the jaws of a 6 month old. In fact I saw a 6 month old the other day who had more teeth than Adam... but that's not too hard to do. Those lonely two little teeth are still holding down the fort. It doesn't stop him from being able to handle a whole chicken nugget on his own, though. In fact, I figured out that he wasn't eating chicken nuggets at home because I was cutting them up for him. I ruined the fun part for him.

Two days ago I gave Adam a big 'ole blueberry muffin for breakfast and he was thrilled. He touched every centimeter of the giant muffin, planning his attack. Before he could dive into it, Shannon came by and broke it in two to help him out. He was devistated and cried and threw a fit... he wanted to do it himself. But, in the end, they were still two very large halves of a muffin, so he ate them, of course. And speaking of independence... he's on allergy medicine every day, which is helping keep him from the sinus infections, but when you bring him the syringe of medicine, the only way you can get him to take it is if you let him hold it. He'll put it in his mouth and I'll push the syringe. If you lie him down and try to force it in, he'll either throw up on you (sensitive gag reflex) or spit it back out.

I realized that Adam was advanced in some areas but was actually astounded at how impressed and amazed our pediatrician was as she watched him do his thing. She asked about his words and what he says, and I told her he nearly had 30 words and phrases. She said that was impressive and that it was 2 year old levels... and then she sat and watched him as he opened every single drawer and cabinet, touched every chair, looked in the trashcan, picked up every toy and tried to climb the table. All in about 20 seconds. She mused that he acts like a 2 year old too. Oh good, so I'm not going crazy. I do feel like I sorta lost a year though.

I'm not at all complaining - I mean, of course the kid is a genius! I put him down in the elevator because he is getting HEAVY, and he ran around from wall to wall, not even caring that there was someone else riding along with us. The elevator got to the ground floor, the doors opened, and he bolted, giggling. I let him go and followed him as he went into every nook and cranny of the mail room, tried to ride a mail cart, went up to the maintenance room doors and got down on the floor to try and look under the crack of the door... and just as he did, two maintenance guys opened the door and came out. Adam shouted "UH OH!" then grinned and took off running in the opposite direction, laughing. Is there a word for the opposite of low-key? If there is, that would describe Adam perfectly. But man, is he fun.

Apparently at daycare Adam has been napping without a pacifier for a while now, which I actually find pretty funny, especially since he insists that he absolutely cannot, in no way even attempt to sleep without one at home. I hadn't realized that he didn't have a pacifier at school, and not that it matters... if he doesn't need it, that's great. We'll ween him slowly. But at home I've tried a few times to just lie him down to sleep without giving it to him and he looks at me like, "Uh, you forgot something." If I pretend I don't know what he's talking about, he loses it. But oh well -- he has no teeth to ruin anyway, and he now he truly only gets it at home when he's in his crib. When he wakes up from naps or in the mornings, Shannon and I can just hold out our hand and he'll pull the paci out and hand it to us. Then he'll grin really big and stomp excitedly in his crib, ready to get up and tear through the house. If you have noticed the lack of pictures lately, it's because he's usually running, which make for blurry pictures.

Adam's favorite toys are his books and the shape ball... and if it's not toys or books, it's anything that has a container and some balls, or it's some kind of active play. He loves the bath and cries when you take him out, no matter how long he's been in it. The other day I splurged and bought Adam some brand new books (Half Price Books is fantastic... but most of the time they don't have the classic children's books. People tend to hang on to those). I bought 4 books -- all board books so Adam can actually use them himself and not rip the pages out (althought he's gotten into a terrible habit of bending them backwards and breaking the spine). I bought Mike Mulligan and the Steam Shovel (because that was one of my favorites), The Rainbow Fish (because I've been told it's a great hit), That's Not My Dragon (because Adam loves that series), and The Going to Bed Book (because I thought, "What the hell, I'll give it a shot.)

Well, Mike Mulligan was not received well - I open the first page and Adam gets up immediately to go do something else or bring back a different book. I opened The Rainbow Fish once and Adam took one look and left. He loves the That's Not My Dragon book, especially the dragon with the "slimy spots" . . . but, wouldn't you know, The Going to Bed Book is Adam's absolute favorite. So now our night time reading rotation includes The Going to Bed Book (at least twice), Are You My Mother? (he now squeals when he sees the kitten and takes the book from me, still squealing... I just recite the rest of it from memory while he holds the book and talks to the cat), That's Not My Dragon, and Good Morning, Good Night.

Adam has been waking up crying uncontrollably every night for the last 3 weeks or so, and I'm starting to believe he's having nightmares or is getting scared in the middle of the night. It used to be that he had to have no lights and the door closed to be able to sleep, but now I'm about to invest in a night light to see if that helps.

Shannon and I discussed the other day how surprised we are that Adam has yet to attempt to climb out of his crib. He easily could, if he tried, so I know it's only a matter of time. It's looking like we're getting closer and closer to converting his crib to the toddler bed... and that is a day I am NOT looking forward to. For someone who can't even keep her child off the coffee table, the images of the long, hard battles of keeping Adam in a bed that he doesn't have to stay in makes me cringe. But maybe when he's truly ready, it won't be like that... (oh, who am I kidding?)

Overcoming a War Zone

I say this (all of this) hesitantly.

Leason Learned #12: You can only care so much about what other people think and sometimes you have to say what you have to say.

I've reached my limit of concern for other people's complaints. I am not cold, I am not stubborn (usually), and I am not unfeeling when others are down, offended, feeling left out, or just plain sick of the world. I get it. I do. Our family has had a rough year... a ROUGH year... so maybe some of this doesn't come from just becoming parent, but all things associated with becoming an adult in general. Or maybe in a few years this will all pass and I'll be back to the overly-patient person that I was. (Probably not)

I do not respond well, at all, to whining, bitching, complaining, manipulation, or flat out guilt trips. I have watched someone I love more than anything in the world go through Hell and back without become a martyr - without turning their life into the only life, and in the toughest 7 months of their life rise out of it still as patient, honest, hard-working, and loving as they ever were -- and they never once manipulated anyone into feeling pity for them. I've watched my family rally, volunteer, and fight because of love -- and it was never because anyone complained too much. I was told from the beginning, probably from the time I could understand language, that whining gets you no where. And then I watched the "hell-and-back" and saw that they stuck to it. I am forever changed, absolutely in awe, and more proud of my family than ever. I have been brought to tears out of fear, out of stress, and out of pure, absolute love more times than I can count this year. And most recently, it was because I was so, so, so proud of and thankful for my family.

I wasn't raised to disrespect myself enough to bend over backwards for anyone who wasn't willing to do the same for me, and I can't change that now. I have absolute empathy, respect and support for anyone who is going through any hardship, from having a flat tire to a parent dying. At the age of 31, I have reached the point where if I truly and honestly have a problem and have to say something about it, I will say it. I will try to do it respectfully, and if I don't, I'll probably apologize for not being respectful or for being temporarily selfish.

None of this has changed since having Adam, but I will admit that my tolerance for these things (whining, bitching, complaining, manipulation and guilt trips) has dropped to almost nothing. Where as before my tolerance was at about 80%, now I'm at about 5%. I love understanding about people's lives and the different things they encounter. I am an unofficial socialist and a friend, always. I am an open book and a willing ear. But not if it includes a selfish motive behind it.

I say this because I am motivated by the people over the last year who have overcome obstacles rather than complained about them... the ones who have been faced with surprising news about their children's futures and have met them with joy and productivity, the ones who have made incredible sacrifices to make their families whole instead of wallowing in their misery, the ones who have done things instead of complain that nothing goes their way... the ones who make outstanding leaps of faith and end up exactly where they are supposed to be. I am weeding through all the nonsense, all the complaining, all the despair, and I'm trying desperately to filter out all the increasing bad attitudes.

I have mentioned a few times that our family has had a rough year. I'm not going to go into it because in part of the situation I was respectfully asked not to, and in other difficult parts, I didn't feel like it was anyone's business. Adam is a joy and a light in our lives and he was my muse anyway. Let's just say that our year was eventful enough that I will remember what I need to without recording it, and am pleasantly moved and proud to see what happens with love, hard work, and patience. Adam's fervor for growing up, on the other hand, is flashing by our eyes and is something we all have been focusing on.

This blog has been mostly about Adam, and I've opened myself up maybe a fraction more than I normally would, but I don't use this blog as a personal journal. I may be breaking my rule here, but by no means do I want anyone to think that my motive is just to complain.

It's completely normal and extremely frequent in this age of social networking that all parents protect themselves from judgments that are never said (but we all know are thought) -- because for some reason, when we all know how freaking hard it really is -- parents judge other parents.

You've spanked your child?
You lose your temper?
Maybe you let your child get away with too much?
Do you think you might be spoiling him?
You let your one-year old watch TV??
etc., etc.

To be clear, I have not been asked any of these questions (well, maybe one), but now when I write I constantly wonder if what I say will be judged in these ways. And I'm sure they have. As Adam gets older, and the "joys" of discipline and the bad habits and the ups and downs of toddler-hood grow ever more frequent, I seriously consider the silent judgments I've posed on other parents when I am not in their situations or dealing with their kids. And I'm wrong for that, because there are a billion different situations and a billion different kids.

• For the parent who's child kept screaming at Walmart and running through the aisles, I'm sorry for judging you.
• For the parent of the child who was biting Adam (who most like isn't reading), I'm sorry for thinking you probably weren't home enough or spending enough time disciplining.
• For the parent who still hadn't weened their 2 and a half year old from the bottle yet, I'm sorry for assuming that you were just trying to keep them a child forever. I don't know what's going on in your home or with your child.

To be clear, Adam has not (yet) bitten another child. And for me, I pick Adam up and leave in the rare situation when he's not behaving in any store (he's probably hungry, has a dirty diaper, or is extremely tired anyway). I attempt to discipline him when he shows aggressive behavior at home, and he has been independent enough to ween himself from pretty much every baby vice there is before I even had a say in it. But I am not those parents and Adam is not that child... and perhaps there was a reason that those things happened to other people when I witnessed 20 seconds to 20 minutes of their life.

(But please, don't bite my child. Just saying...)

But as a parent, I try. I try to be as patient as I possibly can. I try to pay attention to patterns of negative behavior. I am probably too good at finding patterns of positive behavior. If what I'm doing isn't working, I try to find an alternative solution (Que image of Adam's un-ending interest in the trash can, and my attempt to get him to use as he should... let's find things to throw away). Adam has for the last 3 weeks been waking up in the middle of the night, crying uncontrollably. I still don't know what to do. But I will continue to try until I figure it out.

A lot of times, my attempts don't work. A lot of times, I find myself extremely frustrated and sad. I find myself even more frustrated and sad when I want to be with him but I have to go work, especially lately.

I typically don't say everything that is going on in our house, mostly because it's really not anyone else's business. I bring all of this up because I recently discovered how truly precious Adam is (as if you didn't need another reason from me, because from my blog it's quite obvious).

I was recently told that on top of the PCOS (polycistic overian syndrome, where your body produces a lot of testosterone), I also have endometriosis. Endometriosis is not uncommon at all - lots of women have it - and I've had it my whole life, so it's not a death sentence as far as having children is concerned. However, when you hear, from a doctor, that your "uterus is like a war zone," your mind starts wandering...




And the first thought was: What if Adam is my only? The second thought was: No wonder we created a superhuman child... he had to be to survive the "warzone."

Since I've always wanted at least 2, probably 3 children, I've been living this half-devastated existence for the last two weeks. In regular life, I haven't received any news that should really destroy me, and I try to move on in optimism and like I normally was. It's not like anyone told me I'd "never have kids"... but try telling that rationally to someone who always though of herself as a "mother." When anyone asked me when I was little what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was either "architect," or "veterinarian," but mostly, "mom." (I had a good role model). "Mom" is what I actually end up being (well, and a project manager/analyst for an information system at an extremely large telecommunications company).




But because of this news, I question where I am. Should I be home more with Adam? If this is my chance, should I be doing more? Is that cough more than a cough? Am I even doing anything right? Is it even worth talking about? Am I over-reacting? And my least favorite of all... an article I came across when I was "googling" how to allieviate symptoms of endometriosis... Dr. Urges Women to Have Children at a Younger Age. If I hear that I'm probably barren because I was "too old" when I started having kids from one more person... for god's sake, I was 29 when I started trying to have kids. Not 42.

But anyway.


In the aftermath of this recent news I am well aware of the detrimental things I could be doing to Adam. He is not exactly a cuddly child, but at this age when he knows I'm truly upset he hugs me. I don't want him to think I'm always sad and I don't want him to think that he always has to comfort me. I don't expect him to turn into a cuddly baby, but when he's willing to sit with me I turn off all dishes needing to be done, all preparations needing to be made, and all bedtimes are non-existent (but he's usually ready at 8:30 anyway). While I did not want or expect to only have one child, I have to accept that it might be possible, and he does not have to make up for that. I will make it a personal effort to make it clear that my medical "problems" are not his issue to deal with. He is a gift, and not part of an incomplete package. I don't need him to make anything "better" for me. And while I may sometimes complain that I wish I was with him more or that I feel an overwhelming stress to be absolutely 100% the best for him constantly, I've made a pact to myself that I will do it (or try it) instead of just worry and complain about it. I take care of him; he doesn't have to take care of me. And... for Christ's sake, I could still have more kids, STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT.

I have role models who have always been there, I have supportive friends, I have support at work, I have found new support in places that I didn't expect, and long-lost friends in a social networking site (duh, facebook, that many, but not all, people use to flaunt their problems instead of socialize). I am not looking for pity or sympathy. Whining gets you no where.

And because of this, despite the silent judgments you risk when you publish something very personal, I have trouble completely censoring myself when I've found that sometimes when you're honest you can find the answers or alternative solutions you were looking for. I read books, I do my homework, and I creatively problem-solve. I am not an experienced parent, and I am not always seeking advice from extremely experienced parents (experience does not always mean solutions), but I like knowing that there's a small group of people I trust (not a random internet board) where if they can't provide advice, at least they can give support. And for the people who were sitting there, fuming, and thinking, "why didn't you tell me?"... well, sometimes you have to ask how someone else is doing. I am not a closed book.