A Toddler's Guide to Parental Mystification

This morning, Adam clearly and quickly identified his colors.

Me: "What color is this crayon?"
Adam: "BLUE!"
Me: "What about this one?"
Adam: "ROJO!" (yes, he says red in Spanish)
Me: "And this?"
Adam: "YELLOW!"
Me: "And what about your shirt, what color is that?"
Adam: "GREEN!"

(Purple is another favorite, but we didn't have any purple around at the time.)

He then proceeded to say and point out every letter "A" in his full name (which was written in marker on his pack of diapers to be sent to daycare), and then handed over his crayons to me one at a time, while counting... "one... two... three!"

Most days when we ask him to identify a color, he says . . . no, he INSISTS . . . that everything is yellow. We brought out the green Bumbo chair that used to be his (which will now belong to his siblings for a while).

Day 1
Adam walked up to the Bumbo, sat in it, then stood up, pointed at it and declared:
"Yellow."
Me: "Actually, Adam, that's green. It's a green chair."
Adam re-points (you know, when you pull your hand back and then point again to get your point across):
"Yellow!"
Me: "No, the chair is green. GREEN."
He walks away.

Day 2
Adam walks out of the kitchen, carrying his milk. He points at the chair:
"Yellow!"
Me: "Green. Green Chair."
Adam: "Yellow!"
Me: "Green."

Adam walks away.

Day 3 (You get the picture...)
Adam goes up to the Bumbo: "Sit. Yellow!"
Me: "No, Adam, the chair is green. Green."
Adam points, hard, and looks at me: "Yellow!"
Me: "It's green, Buddy."
Adam: "YELLOW!"
Me: "Okay, fine... It's yellow if you want it to be."
Adam grins: "Yellow."

Apparently the point of the interaction was a battle of wills to see who could win the argument. Adam is content with the success of his debating skills, and we haven't had the conversation since. I guess the moral of the story is that if you say something with enough confidence, people will believe you.

So after this morning's proof that Adam is not, in fact, color blind or truly believes that every color is the color "yellow," this caused me to recall many recent events that make me realize just how good the kid is at parental discombobulation. And I'm starting to realize that much of it, quite possibly, is very intentional.

Therefore, below is Adam's A Toddler's Guide to Parental Mystification. Since he cannot type, I will write for him. But be warned: If you have any toddlers you may not want to read this while they are looking over your shoulder, for I am beginning to realize that they understand much more than they let on. Don't let them tell you they can't read . . . it's just a ploy.
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A Toddler's Guide to Parental Mystification: 3 Tips to Successful Toddlering

Tip #1: The Art of the Epic Tantrum
If you do not get your way, do not take this lightly. Parents have no good reason to say "no more juice," or "you can't drive my car," or "it's raining and cold outside, so we can't go out." Either find a way to make it happen, or drop to the floor, scream loud, cry hard, and put on your most upset face. If they walk away, follow them.

If they can stand 5 minutes of the tantrum, continue. A good tantrum is not a good tantrum unless you can last at least 10 minutes. If you forget what you were after in the first place, or can't remember why you're upset, punish them for it by continuing to cry until you remember . . . or pick something else to be upset about.

Tip #2: Don't Be Predictable
Maybe one day you like chicken nuggets . . . maybe the next you hate them. They think your favorite food is macaroni and cheese? Make them think again. Maybe you like to drink from a straw one day but the next you need a regular glass. One day you want to go home right after school . . . the next you cry every time Mom pulls into the driveway until she agrees to take you to the store... for something. ANYTHING. Keep them guessing. They act like they are frustrated. Sometimes they throw their hands in the air. They actually like it.

And if you don't get what you said you wanted, see Tip #1.

Tip #3: Use Humor to Get Out of Trouble
Yes, you know what a time out is. Obviously. So you when you are insisting that you need something and Mom or Dad fail to deliver what you wanted, when you wanted it . . . get it yourself. If it's on the counter, use a chair to reach it. If it's in another room, wait until they are distracted. If they still say no . . . see if they mean it. A couple of times. Don't give up. And if they really mean "no," you might hear "Do you want a time out?"

No, of course you don't want a time out. Duh. But don't let them know that. This is your opportunity.

When you hear the game changing "Do you want a time out?" Be sarcastic. Nod your head emphatically. Excitedly say, "Yeah, yeah, YEAH!" and grin your little face off. It throws them off. I don't know why, but it works. It leaves them speechless, sometimes paralyzed, and sometimes it makes Dad laugh. The same tactic works when it's at least a good hour before your bedtime, and you have had a particularly successful day at toddlering, and you hear, "Do you want to go to bed??" Just say yes.

Note: This modified technique will also work when you realize you may have pushed the limits slightly too far and one parent collapses, defeated, in a chair while the other gives up and just goes to bed at 7:30 pm. When this happens, be as cute as can be so they'll forget all about it. Kisses, hugs, offer to put on their shoes for them... and then start again the next day.
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To be fair, Adam doesn't use these techniques every day, but when he decides to use them, he's pretty damn good at it.

He found a good puddle for sitting in.