Temporary Sacrifices

Dear Adam,

A week and a half ago you turned two, and I am almost 8 months pregnant with your little brother and sister. I know things have been different and sometimes difficult or confusing over the last 7 or 8 months. I can see it in your eyes and in your mood even if you can't tell me exactly what you think.

There are times when the guilt of hearing you upset or desperate to play with me when I can't comfort you or play with you eats me alive. I have probably cried myself to sleep as many times as you have over the last few months, and for the same reason - I miss you terribly. My heart aches when you want me to lie in bed with you before bedtime... because I want to also, but physically am unable to comfortably cuddle with you without disturbing you.

The worst has been your night terrors - whether they are because of all the changes in your life lately or because it's a normal phase, it's heart wrenching to hear your terror in the middle of the night and only be able to comfort you about 20% of the time... And even worse to see you so desperate for me to hug you or pick you up and not let you go, even after you have fallen back asleep.

Despite how much you love school, I can see how much you need a break. A week or so to lounge and have some good quality time with both mom and dad, sleeping in until 7:30, watching Winnie the Pooh and Sesame Street, or going on fun outings as a family. Even at your young age, I understand that you are begging for that time together.  I wish I could make it clear to you that when I am home in bed while you are at school, I wish you were there with me every second of the day. I wish I could help you pick out your clothes and get you dressed. I so wish I could pick you up from school every day.

When you fight with Dad over getting dressed in the morning, when you come home exhausted from the lack of sleep and beg for your paci and blanket, which you never needed so badly before, and when nothing goes right no matter how hard you try, I know why... I am paying attention, I swear. It's hard to be two, but I see how some of these things are directly related to Dad's stress and Mom's needing to be in bed nearly all the time. It must be so frustrating to constantly hear, "I'm sorry, Baby, Mommy can't."

I beat myself up over how difficult this has been for you... And have cried many tears knowing that there is no going back. When your brother and sister are born, I will soon be back to my old self. We will play, mom will cuddle, we will have time together again... But nothing will ever be the same, and I often wonder if I cheated you.

But I remind myself, in these times where I cry for what was lost, how much your Dad and I, and especially you, are gaining. You get a brother AND a sister... Two people who will come into your room, play with your toys, try to ride your bike, steal some of your attention, and many times get on your nerves. But they will also be your favorite playmates. They will love you like no one else ever could. They will come to your rescue with a ferocity of which you could never dream, and you will do the same for them. And when you are an adult, you guys will be there for each other always. When I was little and fought with your Uncle Chris and Aunt Robin, my mom and dad (your Mamie and Grandpa), would always remind me that they will always be there. Parents will not be there forever, friends come and go throughout your life, but you will always have your siblings. That is an incredible gift you can't waste. Those relationships should be treasured and are often the most rewarding... Even when they are sometimes the most frustrating.

Whether it is in 3 weeks or in another 2 months, your brother and sister will be here soon. And that will also be hard. Most kids only have to adjust to getting one new brother or sister at a time. It will be hard, but you are the smartest, strongest kid there is. You are kind, you are comforting, you are welcoming... And you could never be replaced or overshadowed.

You may have to hear Mommy say she can't do things for a little while longer. You have been so helpful - bringing me water (with Dad's help), protecting me, taking my plates to the sink... And giving the best hugs in the world.

I swear to you that when your brother and sister are here, and I am healed from surgery, I will be actively a part of your life again. I will not lie in bed and moan or sleep. I will once again participate in your life. I will be able to give you baths again. I'll teach you to swim. I will teach you to play soccer, basketball, baseball. I will play with you in the backyard, we will go to the park, we will read as many books as you want and we will have the moments we had before, because those are the moments that I miss the most. THAT has been the hardest part of carrying your brother and sister - not the hospital visits, the doctors appointments, the needles, the bed rest, the stress, the money... All I want is to be able to pick you up and hold you for as long as you want me to.

In doing the right things to carry your brother and sister to full term, I fear I have been a bad mother to you. When I do the right things to care for you, I end up putting my heath and your brother and sister's long term health in jeopardy. We can't win. But everyday I remind myself that these sacrifices are temporary. They are the sacrifices we make for our family. As a mom, I only wish that these sacrifices could be mine alone and not have to affect you.

But in sacrificing time away from me, I am watching you build strong, trusting, priceless relationships with other members of your family. You are strong and sweet and the light of my days. I promise we don't have too much longer to go. Hang in there, Love.

Love,
Mom