Remembering Christmas

There are things I'd like to remember about this Christmas, which is Adam's third and Colin and Claire's first. There are lots of little tidbits that make me look forward to Christmas for the first time in a long time.

I'd like to forget that 20 children and 6 adults were murdered tragically on a Friday morning in a "safe" town's elementary school in Newtown, CT on December 14, but I don't think I will forget how heartbroken it made me feel. I'd like to forget how scared I am to let my children out of my sight and how utterly wrong the world feels right now, but that also darkly marks this Christmas holiday. The Mayan calendar ends on 12/21/12 and has many talking about the end of the world... And while I put little to no stock in that, I sense that the insane, violent and worthless excuses for humanity are looking for excuses to cause pain and chaos in a demonstration of their hatred and cruelty. That is not how I like to feel around the holidays, so I will remember other many, many glorious details of this Christmas.

Like how Adam would say, "mmmmm, candy canes!" Whenever he saw them... That is, until he tasted one and cried and wiped the minty red swirls out of his mouth.

I'll love recalling how we went to see Christmas lights nearly every night, while Adam pointed out every snowman, Santa Claus, reindeer and choo choo train he could see, and every once in a while call out, "it's SO pretty!"

I'll think back and smile when I remember how he says Christmas lights and Christmas trees in broken syllables... "Christ. Mas. Lights! Christ. Mas. Tree!"

I will fill my heart with these memories...

Decorating the tree with Adam.

Making his first gingerbread house.

Laughing at Claire's funny faces.

And marveling at how beautiful and intelligent she is.

Loving every second of Colin grabbing his toes and rolling around smiling.

...his flirtatious grins and my long night time talks with my little night owl.

Our trip to see the mall Santa for probably the last time, and getting some pictures of unimpressed babies.

... even though they had a great time waiting in the long line...

I will always be thankful that I could spend evenings with the Christmas lights, fun hats, and my camera, taking pictures of my smiling babies.

 

I will know that even though I ran out of time to send out Christmas cards, I got a classic shot that will forever make me feel warm and giggly inside.

I will remember with pride that the twins' 6 month check up they have caught up to other full term babies and are both demonstrating signs of advanced cognitive development.

I am forever changed knowing that all my kids adore each other, look for one another, hug each other and hold hands at every opportunity. It is enlightening to see how they love so easily and so purely.

looking at Adam.

 

I beam knowing that the twins light up when they see me and have a special, irreplaceable attachment to their wonderful father. I am thrilled that they adore and ask for their Papa, Grandpa and Mamie.

This Christmas will not be huge, presents wise. The kids will get books, puzzles, some movies and clothes, but very little toys. We don't need them and if we have each other that is all we could ever wish for this Christmas.


Our life is not perfect. There are fussy days, more sick days than I can count and tantrums galore. We change countless dirty diapers, many of them where the diaper failed, and it's only Tuesday and I have cleaned up vomit 4 times this week alone, 3 of those times in our bed. Afterwards, when Adam cries and worries that he "spilled," all I can do is smile gently at him, stroke his hair and tell him everything is okay. When I look into my children's eyes I can forgive and love unconditionally in a way that seems humanly impossible.

I feel that this Christmas. The rest of the world, in frequent, brief moments, fades easily away.

I am shaken by hatred and yet pulled together by love these holidays, in our home, with my sweet innocent babies who only look for hugs and more time together.