NICU Battle Wounds

To read about our twin birth story (born at 34 weeks gestation), click here.

When we had Adam, it was like someone broke off a chunk of my heart, gave it legs, a killer smile, some hypnotizing blue eyes and sent it walking around outside of my body. Now there are three chunks of my heart existing outside of me. Three little people whose every breath is necessary for me to survive. And they just go roaming about in a world of car accidents, diseases, illnesses, freak accidents, knives, guns, and crazy people. It's enough to break a person.

Claire and Colin spent 5 days in the NICU, needing assistance with breathing, eating, and body temperature. They are now on day 5 in the "Baby Steps" unit of the NICU, where they are gaining weight and learning to be more consistent with their ability to eat.

Colin, 7 days old

Claire, 8 days old

This means that they must be able to eat every meal from the bottle or by nursing, 8 meals a day. Claire is currently having 3 "nipple feeds" a day (3 of 8), while Colin is at 4 feedings a day (4 of 8). They eat every 3 hours, and each meal consists of 45 ccs of breast milk, fortified with a couple extra calories.  When I called the NICU to check on them at 4 am this morning, the nurse told me that Claire was doing very well with the nipple and probably could do more than what she's doing now, but that Colin wanted to sleep through his last two feedings and that even though he took most of his bottle the last time, he spit quite a bit of it up at the end. I spent two hours flipping between rejoicing in Claire's small victory and being terrified by Colin's extreme sleepiness... Is he sick? Maybe just a growth spurt? The Internet certainly doesn't help in those situations either...

I try to nurse them at least once a day, and they usually do well. Claire understands the concept a little more consistently than Colin does, but at times seems to want the bottle instead. Colin, on the other hand, seems to prefer to nurse over any other method, and in the rare times he has gotten formula instead of breast milk, he immediately looks disgusted. Funnily enough, when Colin does well at nursing, Claire struggles. When Colin struggles, Claire does well. The times when they aren't nursed or bottle fed, they are fed with the gavage (the feeding tubes). I am beginning to be very familiar with NICU lingo, a skill of which I never thought I'd be able to claim.

I gave Colin a bath on Friday, but when I tried to start on Claire, she was her temperature wasn't high enough. I couldn't do it Saturday and Sunday either for the same reason, and so this morning they bathed her. She needed it, and I'm split between being sad I couldnt do it myself, or happy that it's done and relieved of the duty, which causes me a lot of stress because I'm afraid I don't move fast enough and they'll get cold or I'll somehow do it "wrong." I just need more practice... Adam was almost 9 lbs when we brought him home, so bathing, feeding, and dressing him as an entirely different experience.

Because Adam had digestive problems even as a full term baby, I have gone back to that diet to help Colin and Claire's digestion. No milk, cheese, or any dairy. No tomatoes (which you think would be easy, but that means no pizza, spaghetti, or the best ingredient in a sandwich). No beans, no broccoli, or anything that produces gas. My calorie intake should be 2500 calories daily, but it's tough to get more creative than turkey sandwiches, fried chicken or chicken nuggets. It's also a challenge to find the time or desire to eat. Both babies are digesting a million times better since I made those changes, and while it's hard to tell whether it's because they have just matured or whether it's related to my diet, I won't give up on it because I'm not around them to see their reactions after eating and able to identify patterns between what I eat and how they respond. Better safe than sorry.

My body is still covered in bruises, scars, and wounds from being poked, injected, cut open and sewn back together. I am comforted, oddly, by these outward signs of recent pain because they match how I feel on the inside.

I wake up each day and fight a persistent nagging in my chest that tells me I have somehow failed the twins. I should still be pregnant, and while I was miserable and tired, bored from bed rest and counting down the days when I would be able to walk comfortably again, I was more comforted by the fact that as long as they were there, they were safe. And now they are not there, and they are struggling away from me. It is not like a postpartum depression - it is more like the feeling you get when you failed a test you really studied hard to pass, or when you work hard at a relationship and it falls apart anyway.

Logically I know I did everything within my power to protect them from the consequences of preterm labor and delivery. I went to every doctor appointment. I made decisions for myself early in the pregnancy when my doctor wouldn't by trusting my instincts. I went on bed rest and stopped working when I should have and not a day later. I read books, took my vitamins, drank as much water as I could, almost completely cut out caffeine, and basically handed over all other responsibilities of cleaning, diaper changing, cooking, and toddler raising to my already exhausted husband. Realistically, I know I did what I was supposed to, and yet still we are in this situation. I am an intelligent person, but I am irrationally angry at my body for not staying pregnant for another 3-4 weeks. I suppose that is the danger of setting goals where you are only partially in control of the outcome.

Now, my guilt is attempting to attack me from the inside out. When I am home pumping breast milk every 2.5-3 hours because its the only thing that makes me feel like a productive, contributing mother, or sleeping so I can recover from the surgery, or playing with Adam finally after a long few months of bed rest, I feel guilty that I am not at the hospital with the twins. When I'm sitting in NICU, holding one baby, I feel guilty because I'm not holding the other. When I get in some good quality time with both babies, I start worrying that Adam needs more love and attention than I have been giving him. I have not slept for longer than 2 and a half hours at a time in the last ten days because I wake up even during the night to pump, as if the babies were here with me to eat at all hours of the night. If I hit the snooze on my alarm to get in an extra 30 minutes, I stupidly feel guilty for that too.

And now I just hope that by some miracle, the twins are discharged on the same day. I have no idea how I would be able to physically or emotionally  be able to face leaving a two year old and a newborn at home while I spend quality time with another newborn at the hospital. Or how I could possibly face being at home cuddling with one baby while the other is still in NICU. History and practicality indicates that facing it and dealing with it will only require me to push through, summoning whatever strength I have, creating new strength as I go, and stealing some of that strength from supportive family and friends, but the mere thought of it hurts in a way that is difficult to even consider.

Even Shannon, who is cool and calm in all situations, is feeling the drain of the stress of the NICU. While I'm pumping, recovering, hugging all my babies and occasionally beating myself up for no good reason, he's still caring for Adam, cleaning when he can, working, driving me to and from the NICU, and making sure I eat and take care of myself when I forget. He told me yesterday that he didn't realize how draining it would be. It is temporary and we will survive it like champs, just like we always do, but it is amazing the stress level a person can feel from having their child(ren) in NICU. We are even one of the fortunate families who won't have to spend months there with tiny little babies with many serious health problems because they were born at 23 - 27 weeks, or even 27-33 weeks. All in all, Colin and Claire are healthy. They just need a little more time and a little more practice at the basics.

We've been leaning on my parents quite a bit to care for Adam while we are there or to give us a break, and they have been extremely helpful. It's also comforting that when Adam is at school he is spending time with Ms. Lauren, who I know adores him and he feels the same.

On Father's Day Shannon held Colin and Claire together for the first time. Now that's a great Father's Day gift.

Later that day, Adam got to meet them. In the waiting room he was climbing the walls, struggling, kicking and whining a little. When we got to see the babies he calmed down, was quiet, and talked in a low, friendly voice.  In fact, he was intrigued by all the babies and said he wanted all of them. He learned the name Claire very quickly but had to really think about the name Colin.

Adam meeting Claire

Adam meeting Colin

For the first time, if only for 5 minutes, all of the pieces of my heart were in one place again.