How's It Going?

I have been searching for the right words to explain our lives and my emotions right now, but there are no "right" words.


I suppose if I were asked the question, "How's it going?" I would answer, "Too fast."

Every night when I go to sleep I feel sad that another day passed by so quickly and I barely spent any time with them between work, preparing meals and cleaning up. And then every morning, I tell each one of them that they grew in the night and that I missed it. And I truly don't think I'm exaggerating.

The twins are 9 months old. Colin is wearing 18 month to 24 month old clothes. Claire is wearing 24 month old clothes. Adam will be three in a month and a half. He's wearing 4T clothes and some 5T sized pajamas.

We are starting to see signs that Claire might be close to dropping that one feeding each night, but the odds are that if she doesn't need it, Colin might be up at 4 am. But you can't really blame them. They are exhausted and ready to be rocked (Claire usually unwillingly) and put to bed by 7:30. If they are up past 8 it's a rare event. So even if they do wake up at 4 am, that's a good 8 hour chunk of time. And truthfully, there are some nights recently where they sleep from 7 pm to 7am. But never at the same time, and usually, on those nights, Adam napped and didn't crash until close to 11.

But in reality the lack of sleep is not what sends me into a deep trek into my mind to find the words to express how I'm feeling. In fact, because I'm starting to catch up on sleep finally, I'm actually more tired than I was before.

Colin and Claire are both expert crawlers and are pulling up on furniture and taking steps while holding onto support. They are both transferring themselves from one piece of furniture to the next (the music table to the couch, etc.), and I even saw Claire try to take a step by herself when the target was just a little out of reach. I was impressed at her attempt. The next day, she pulled up to standing by scaling only the wall.

Colin is still the conversationalist -- "ba ba BA BA ba, da da BA!!! ADA. ADA!!!" But he still grins slyly at me when I beg him to say "Ma ma." Claire has less syllables but just as much to contribute to the conversation, in varying volumes, and they "talk" to each other as well as fight. I suspect that some of the fighting is just a way to pass the time and entertain themselves, like puppies in a litter. Colin takes it a little too seriously though.

I took Claire shopping for new clothes and she was not at all impressed by the experience. She had no interest in the clothes, barely cared about the crowds, but when I was digging through bins of shoes she nearly launched herself out of the stroller for some little girl's soccer cleats. Proud moment where behind my little grin was thinking, "Well of course. I knew it." (No pressure, Claire).

Never knows what to do with her tongue.

Colin is growing too and likes to be held, doesn't want to be left behind, but gets mad when he can't do what Claire is doing and cries in frustration when he falls.He's very observant and follows Claire and Adam everywhere. He craves one on one conversations and play time.

 

 

Adam has been growing lately, and has taken to starting to attempt to pick the babies up, which is terrifying for me... and usually for Claire too when she realizes that her holder is not as skilled as she would like. But anything Adam does has to be right in her mind.

Adam has been begging to play soccer. I wasn't going to try to get him into it until around 4, but he's adamant and always wanting to play, so we might try a soccer camp first.

If he doesn't get the answer he wants from one parent, he'll ask the other, and if the original parent gives their two cents on the situation, he'll say, "No Daddy, I'm talking to Mommy now." or vice versa. He's always fun to talk to, and he's always in charge (in his mind).

We were supposed to make an "Easter hat" for Adam for a parade at school. I didn't know what an Easter hat was but I think I pulled it off. I glued a chick to a yellow hat.

 

 

 

 

Because it feels like it's going too fast, I move fast to try to squeeze in any amount of down time or book time or play time with them as I can, and it just never seems to work. I'm always rushing off to work, rushing to get someone dressed, to the potty, fed, bathed (which is no easy feat now, since they like to bathe together and try to climb out of the slippery tub), a sippy cup of milk, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and then cleaning up so no one trips and dies in the great mess that can accumulate in 30 seconds. (Trust me, I'm not doing any dusting or vacuuming, I'm simply trying to wash enough cups so that they are clean the next time someone needs them and that the food from dinner doesn't dry up into paste on the high chair trays).

By the time all is in a state that we can relax and no one needs anything, someone starts rubbing their eyes and is off to bed. If I'm sitting, it's not for very long, and it usually comes at a huge cost -- guilt. In summary, I feel like no matter how present and involved I am, I am missing it.

I often wonder if that's how all parents feel.

I continue to be told that it gets easier... but now that they are all on the move, and all extremely opinionated, the day to day accomplishments are more challenging. Rewarding, clearly... but challenging and stressful. The best part of their days are spent with others while we are at work, and then we come home to exhausted children who just missed us. When asked what is the hardest part, right now, I would say that's it. Coming home to three babies who want to be held and hugged and feeling like someone always has to be last and doesn't get "enough" of me.

I have day dreams of taking them to a field where there are no other people to worry about, no dangerous playground equipment, no ants, no bugs, no danger, and let them all play while I get to enjoy them being this little and sweet, where Shannon and I are not working our asses off constantly to keep everyone at peace, fed, watered, clean and happy. The stress does not come from them, but from the lack of ability to enjoy the wonderful and easy little babies that they are.