365

Up until now, I have written (in this blog) mainly about Adam -- the joys of our first born child, our day-to-day in the life of a very average family, the milestones in the year of a social, happy, quirky, intelligent baby, and the circumstantial events in the last year of our lives. Hopefully I have reveled in our joy more than I have complained.

Not to disrupt the natural occurrence of things, because apparently in becoming a mother you redefine yourself as just that - a mother. Not as a "student," not as a "traveler," not as a "soccer player," not as a "philosopher of life." We tack on "wife" to "wife and mother," mostly because it's a common term and because we sometimes end up being that first.


Today is the first day of an actual "vacation" since . . . well, since 2009, when I took a week off from work while I was pregnant to burn some PTO. When I found out that I was pregnant on August 23, 2009, I was happy. It was exactly what we wanted. I was scared. I was excited, I was nervous, I was . . . pampered. Shannon took care of me better than he ever had before. And he had 9 years of experience to back him up.


Since becoming pregnant, it has been doctor visits, specialist visits, or pediatrician visits that fill my time. Before Adam was born they thought he might not be growing appropriately and continued to send me to a specialist for further evaluation. By the third time they recommended me, I asked how necessary it was since every visit invited another $500 bill for a 20 minute ultrasound that actually told me he was bigger than normal. Even the ultrasound technician, two days before he was born, estimated that he would be about 7 pounds, 8 ounces at birth . . . and then I delivered a very healthy 8 pound 11 ounce baby boy via c-section.

But since then, we've seen a doctor of some sort every week. I've nearly become an expert in doctor-speak and prescription-tongue and only hope that I don't need to advance my studies in the language.

Since having a child, I actually find that I am more assertive. I am better at my job because I won't let anyone walk over me, more insistent with "professionals" when I believe that they might not be giving the best care, more willing to accept myself as a person, more understanding of and caring for my husband, and even more comfortable or more direct with my friends, who I couldn't have picked better. I've also realized just how blessed I am to have been born into a family so loving and so involved. Not everyone gets that, and I did.


I used to associate "weekends" with catching up on sleep, going out, maybe cleaning the house, usually doing nothing in particular. I used to associate "vacations" with the beach, the lake, a road trip, a plane flight . . .

In my weekends now, Shannon lets me sleep in - usually until 9, before I wake up wondering what Adam is doing and usually regretting any time that I slept because it meant that I missed something. I like watching him play. Even if he's sick or fussy, I want to see him, hug him, laugh with him, comfort him. If I wake up and he's somewhere else, I spent 80% of my brain power thinking of him. Usually my days off or "vacations" include pediatrician visits, visiting family, or cleaning the house. If we are literally doing "nothing," we are never let "off the hook" from changing diapers or fixing breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner. Sometimes we go out to the park, or have lunch in a restaurant. One time we took a day off and went to the zoo. It still required 2 hours of planning and 1 hour of packing. And yet, as exhausted as I am, I am more fulfilled than I ever have been. Now that I am a mother, I am able to consecutively fill my time everyday with something meaningful.

In one year, I have been challenged to be more than I ever thought I could be. And not all of it was because I needed to take care of Adam. I have marveled at my own mother's and father's strength and wisdom, I have clung to my sister and brother, I have cried, I have sobbed uncontrollably, I have balked, nodded bravely, felt my knees collapse in fear, felt my heart jump into my throat more times than I can count, laughed harder than I ever thought I could, been moved to tears by my friends and by those who I haven't spoken to in close to 10 years. I have sulked (briefly), I have challenged myself beyond my supposed limits, and, most importantly, I have lived through it all and maintained my sanity. So far.

In the year that I became a mother, I did not realize that I could be so strong. I didn't expect that I could be this proud, and I didn't know that I could be so ashamed. I didn't know I had so much courage, and I didn't realize I could be so scared.



It is 1:34 am on May 5. 12 hours from now will mark the minute, one year ago, that I met the man who changed my life. 4 hours from now, he will wake up and tell me that he is hungry.

I will gladly roll my lazy ass out of bed to give him what he needs, and soak up every second of holding him while I can.