Schools, Teachers, and Intelligence

I write these posts for myself, mostly, with the knowledge that my children will read them someday and that family and friends can get updates. I also know that it's online so that anyone can read it, so I am somewhat cautious, even though at heart I have trained myself to be honest regardless of my enormous insecurities.

But this post was hard for me to write. And it's not for the normal reasons that people think about like that there is some medical problem or family problem that is very private, but in that the news that I share for some reason encourages great judgement among other parents and even people who have no real reason to care.

At Adam's three year old check up, he passed the eye exam with flying colors... On the four year old chart. I was told his speech and coordination were also at the four year old level, as well as his stature. He barely spoke about 20% of his vocabulary there too, due to the excitement of getting to touch all the real doctor equipment and because of a little bit of shyness from being in awe with our pediatrician. We see her so much that she's like a celebrity in his eyes.

The assessment mostly came from his amazing photographic memory and his ability to learn immediately, not necessarily that he has much more knowledge than others his age. His creativity levels advanced, his ability to hold conversations and put sentence structure together, and I didn't really do any of the irresistible bragging that I think all parents do. In fact, I usually refrain from it, not really knowing exactly what is normal and what is really, really cool.

I do not say this with the intention of asserting that Adam is smarter than any of his classmates or all other kids his age. The truth is, the teachers at his school have been excellent. All of the boys in Adam's current class were given the opportunity to exceed, most likely bored by the typical curriculum for two year olds that asks them to count to 9 or 10. This is something I can easily attribute to his teacher for most of the school year. Adam can count to 25. I'm sure the other boys can count higher than ten as well, and they can all owe that to an incredible teacher. And mostly likely also very involved and intelligent parents.

But our pediatrician told us that Adam is advanced, and used the word "genius," which I will put in the back of my mind and revisit someday if he ever gets an IQ test, and dial it down to that he might be gifted. And that would not be a surprise to me. To be clear I do not say this as pride in myself, although I am beyond proud of my children. I think I am smart, not gifted, I see limitless intelligence in my ever-silent husband's eyes and he proves it daily. I think, obviously, "what smart babies I have"! But I do not feel competition that they have to be the smartest or that there is competition in their friends. We live in a world where we are benefited by smart people, and the more we can find, the better we all are.

Adam is no slouch when it comes to learning. He did everything early. Everything. For example, at 16 to 18 months, when other children are noticing that there are shapes, he was correctly identifying most of them, including their colors. Now, two weeks after turning three, we are getting confirmation from several professionals that he is extremely advanced. And these are things his teachers have been saying for years. (To be honest, the twins are also advanced, even being six weeks premature, but for now I'm focusing this post on Adam.)

I have had suggestions put forth in the last three weeks that I put Adam in a private preschool, to give him extra curricular activities (very interested and currently looking), and to tutor him outside of school. I think he would benefit greatly from this. But the other thing about Adam is that he learns the best at home by breaking rules... The chair will break if I stand on it that way? Which way? Like this? Ohhhh... Now I will get hurt if I stand on the chair like that? How hurt? Do you mean it? Let's see if you're right... Don't run into the street because I shouldn't? What will happen? Let's see. Ohhhh... Don't run into the street because I'll get hurt? By what? There's nothing there now...Fortunately I get reports that he is a good student and a good listener away from home. But honestly, he is good at home too. Very good.

For this reason I worry about the type of school I seek for Adam. We've looked at Montessori and while I feel there is a quiet conflict among systems between "Montessori" versus "traditional," I know in my heart that Adam would not do well in a Montessori environment. If given the leave to choose his own activities with gentle guidance, his activity would be to see what would happen if he climbed a bookshelf and ripped posters off the wall. He seeks constant challenges.... Teach me this, tell me what's new... Give me something to think about, things I never knew existed. I know that if you have a child who is extremely intelligent and thriving in a Montessori environment that you will challenge me in this philosophy, and I welcome that. But I say it not to challenge intelligence, but learning style and personality. I'm also concerned about choosing a public or private traditional school that is hesitant to encourage free thinking. I researched into a school that uses an A Beka curriculum, and didn't find any faults with it other than fearing it has too much seat work and workbooks to engage him as a kinesthetic learner. He does well with workbooks as long as they really challenge him and let his mind do several things at once... Coordination, color, cutting, pasting/taping, and tracing. He gets angry at himself sometimes if he can't draw a circle or if someone is next to him talking, touching, or distracting him, and he even tells us to go away while he's doing his thing. He's most happy when he can do it himself, and I'm okay with that.

He wants to be quizzed constantly. If he is acting out or being combative, Sometimes the only thing that calms him is time in a quiet room or bath, or if I ask him to focus on learning at random times of the day. In the car we're constantly talking about what we see, which we is left and right, what kind of cars are on the road, what green, red, and yellow mean in intersections and even how to say the colors in Spanish or who the president is. He can answer all of these questions quickly and accurately, but I'm not going to lie, my brain is challenged to be always moving to try and give him new things within his range to think about.

His personality may to others seem like flat out obstinance. (It is.) Or an inability to listen. ( It's not. It's really about good choices, not that he didnt hear me.) or about bad parenting... Can't you control your child?! Frankly, no. I can only try 24 hours a day, every day, to try to understand and trust that I'm telling him what he needs to keep him safe. And to grab his arm when his immediate desire to "find out" is for an instant stronger than his desire to "be good."

You know how curiousity kills the cat? Well, we are constantly on guard that his caretakers understand that if you take him to the store, he may just run off. And it's not that he doesn't care, or that he wants to be bad, or that he is acting out some family trauma at home... But that he simply wants to see what happens when he walks (runs) down an empty aisle by himself or loses you in a crowd of people. Or what every thing in the store feels like... how heavy it is, what sound it makes when it hits the floor, what will happen if he does it anyway when I tell him to stop. His intelligence is built on seeing what happens when the unknown happens.

And while that is not the socially acceptable way to learn, the institutional way to learn and especially not the safest way to learn, that's how he sees the world: what do you mean, "can't"? What do you mean, "shouldn't"? I know I seem very liberal, but I'm not saying we let him do anything and everything he wants. It infuriates me sometimes when he doesn't listen. it causes me more often than not to get very angry over the littlest test. But when I do that, I end up losing and so does he, because it gets us no where. I also don't want him to spend of all his childhood hearing the words "don't," and "can't," and "stop."

I know that people will read this and think I'm too lenient, or that I'm shrugging off some popular social disorder like ADHD, or that I'm ignoring the fact that he's three and "that's what three year olds do." If you have a three year old boy, I invite you to take Adam to the grocery store with your three year old and see the difference in stress level after spending an hour in public with him. If you are not shocked and stressed, then I invite you over every weekend for a beer and to let our kids jump on the trampoline or explore the playground together.

I also want to emphasize that he is a very good, kind, observant and outgoing person, with absolutely no intentions to hurt anyone or be mean or violent. In fact, I have never gotten an incident report that he has acted violently at school. Not once. He protects himself, or he yells at them. Strangers tell me, "he's not shy, is he?" "No, he's not..."

From my reading (online, of corse), this extreme activity level is also (on top of professional evaluation) a sign of a child being gifted. Their brain is in constant movement and is looking for the ever-existing challenge.

Now that he is older, we are also dealing with the psychological/emotional stress he feels. What he's "supposed" to do doesn't always match with what he feels like he CAN do and then his desire to please doesn't match with our displeasure when he puts himself in danger or makes someone angry because it wasn't polite or socially acceptable... And he didn't know. He didn't mean to. He is not rude, aggressive, unable to focus or struggling to learn. If anything, he is bored. If we challenge him he can focus completely for long periods of time until his brain gets tired.


This post is not about "struggles." We all struggle. If we have kids who are "challenged," we struggle. If we have kids who are average, we struggle... And less well documented or talked about... When we have kids who are above average or "gifted," we struggle. In the end, we all have to turn our lives over to teachers and other individuals and ask them to help us mold our lifestyles. The only ones who are exempt from that are those who are able, willing and brave enough to home school, and even then, they are the teacher AND the parent, and they struggle. That cannot be an easy job.

Having great teachers is kind of like having good health. You don't notice until its gone. Your life runs smoothly, you have someone love being a teacher just as much as you love being a parent, they instill the same consistency at school that you do at home, and your kids not just like them, but love them, to the point that your two year old asks if Ms. Jenny will come to the family barbecue or if Ms Tiffany will be home with your brother and sister when you get home from school. (And Ms Lauren and Kathryn, we haven't forgotten about you!)

As a parent, it isn't that you take it for granted, but that you don't realize how "bad" it can get with "not that bad" and inexperienced, as opposed to "incredible." And I know that in the future I will also have to encounter teachers who are closed-minded and flat out uninterested in doing their job.  We have been blessed with beyond extraordinary teachers... Ones who look toward the individual and love him for who he is. Those who see that he can do more and give him a little extra encouragement and challenges. And especially, lately, those who can be constantly on top of him about boundary testing while showing him that he's just great the way he is but absolutely, with no uncertain circumstances, needs to follow directions and be polite. In this I am strict. When you are asked a question, answer it. If you are sad or mad, use words, if you are wrong, apologize and know why.

Up until a few weeks ago, we had that consistency in his teacher. One who pushed him to his limit in a way that encouraged him to learn but also insisted that instructions should be followed. if anyone is gifted, it is her. She pushed him to his limit, helped him understand his boundaries, and made him feel safe. All three are not easy tasks, but she accomplished it. Daily. Adam thrived in it.


If he doesn't do something he isn't supposed to at home, we have corrections. We explain to him why there are rules. We explain why we aren't happy. We ask him what he was thinking and give him a voice. If he has a viable reason for his behavior, we examine his reactions and our own and adjust. He is expected to apologize for his irrational and unacceptable behavior. I do as well and we all make a promise to do better.

I know this sounds stupid for a barely three year old. "The rules are the rules and those are the rules." But I ask you how many times in life you felt like the rules were unfair and you didn't get to say why you thought so. Sometimes rules will always be unfair, and they will always be the rules, but didn't you feel better about them if you got to explain what you thought? And whenever you were given feedback about your decisions, didn't you feel like you had a chance to grow?

This post comes about because of the feedback from our pediatrician about Adam's ability to learn but also because of a recent change in his teachers. His teacher was in the perfect position to make a positive move, and the new teacher was thrown into a new classroom with primarily active two year old boys and following in the footsteps of someone who was born to understand, motivate and challenge kids. This new teacher also is in over her head and has a completely different philosophy.


And now we are also feeling the incredible emotional struggles he feels from the transition to a new teacher who isn't giving him what he needs. He misses his old teacher, but he does bond with adults well, when they give him what he needs. He doesn't want to eat anymore, not even his favorite foods, and he is angry at home a lot and sad when he gets in trouble, as if he can never do anything right. My heart is broken for him. Ms. Jenny came by to chat with me and give him a boost today, and it made all the difference in the world for the rest of the day.

Quite frankly, it doesn't seem like the directors are really taking any of our complaints to heart. In the last week, Adam has come home with bite marks that became infected and scabs that lasted for weeks. Scratches from play that escalated quickly because the room wasn't under control and now I drop him off in an environment where he is unchallenged and terrified to be left, because all he has left to think about is his pain and fear and constantly ignoring misbehavior or yelling when the class is out of control by the teacher to (all of his friends) to "stop doing this," "stop climbing that," and "be nice," without any follow through. He adores his friends in that class and that is all he has left, but it has not been enough when we drop him off each morning and he goes into a panic of kicking, screaming and yelling "Mommy, no, don't leave me! I need you!!" and has to be restrained from running out the door by an uninterested aide.

He is not asked to pick up his toys any more and when given a direction, he has quickly learned that you don't always need to follow through, and is now frustrated and angry when ignoring directions works at school but doesn't work at home. I am not saying this teacher is terrible, or needs to be fired, or is not doing the best that she can. In college I was a part time teacher at a daycare in a three year old classroom, and I was terrible at it. The job is HARD. These kids understand a lot but not all that you're telling them and their motives, their developmental paths, are built on saying "no," and liking it.

I have asked that Adam be moved up to the three year old room early, because he is fully potty trained and able to hang with the older kids, and if not on their level yet, he should feel challenged and happy to be given the opportunity. He is going to be transitioned next week and then moved to a three year old classroom full time the week after, but I don't know which one. If it doesn't go the way we need it to, we'll be moving all three to a new school.

So this is not about the new teacher who quite frankly HAS to go home feeling exhausted from what she has dealt with each day. This is about appreciating the teacher that I never had to worry was doing exactly the right thing for my child.

This is also about my child, who will struggle to understand how he is still good and is still smart in a world that has trouble seeing how obstinance and boredom are many times signs of being intelligent, not signs of being slow.

This is about the administration, who sometimes cares, sometimes doesn't, but mostly, needs to support the teachers, who typically have a better idea of what they're dealing with than anyone else. And in our particular case, this administration isn't realizing that the new teacher, in her teaching style, needs a really great assistant teacher to help her get these kids in a position where she can manage them. Because I deal with my kid every day, and I KNOW he's not easy... But I know that they can all be taught appropriately and do amazing things.

And this is a about me, who as a parent will constantly be struggling to remember that it's not the expensive school that finds the right way to reach my child, but the teacher. It's the first taste I have of realizing that no matter the intelligence level or the abilities of my child, I'm going to run into teachers that desperately want to understand us, or infuriatingly don't care, and we will not always be met with those who "get it."

As a person who did bachelor's and master's work in education, and only inches off from an education degree, I always said that the hardest part about teaching was the parents. I still say that. But the hardest part about being a parent is finding that balance in the ever rotating world of education... Each year, multiple times a year, you're asking someone to bond with your child, bond with you, agree with you, and then, above all, bond with your kid. Patience is required. Teachers are not always perfect but there are some who exceedingly are. There are some who are just good, there are some who are doing their absolute best, and there are some who just don't give a damn. But as a person-parent who is chronically non-confrontationalist, I have recently learned that courage and decisions are required when you evaluate not just the education of your child, but the emotional well-being of your family too.