Or the fact that while I have no issue with daycare or professional success, that we were getting at best about 2 hours maximum with our kids each day while I was working only to run through a drive thru and rush them to get dressed, to school, from school, to dinner, to bed and not really getting much out of it. With one, we snuck in some good quality time. With three, we cheated ourselves. All of us. Nobody got enough time and nobody was thriving.
When I made that decision, it was extremely hard for all of us. They liked school. They didn't want to be there as much as they were, but they liked it. They like people and they crave information and stimulation. So I spend most of my day trying to find adequate stimulation and love... and did you know, stay at home moms don't really have "all day" to just clean the house and make dinner? Or that they never get just a "20 minute break for lunch"? I knew that, but had grandiose dreams. Surely I can do it. Wrong. One of the things that fell to the wayside was this blog. Not because I didn't care, but because it matters to me so much. Because I feel it necessary to choose pictures that reflect the way I feel too... artistically. So they have to be sorted through, edited, and organized. I wrote two blog posts today (mostly pictures, no words), and it took me 4 hours. It takes uninterrupted time. Time that most people use for sleeping.
Could I do that with the kids at home? Sure, while they watch Team Umizoomi and crawl into my lap and help me type. That's loads of fun. So I put it off sometimes to "later," and then when later comes... all I want to do is... anything but sit in front of a computer.
But... priorities. This year I made a really tough decision by leaving my career to be home with our kids. I do not look at that as a personal sacrifice. I took on a new venture that I never thought I'd ever in a million years do by joining a networking marketing company (Plexus), which has actually been amazingly rewarding. "Self Improvement with a Compensation Plan." I'm definitely cool with that and so is our bank account, because self-improvement has always been important to me. So... I'm busy. Not too busy and very, very happy. But I in my adult life I translate busy to happy. When I sit, I think about all the things I am doing wrong. When I'm busy, there's no time for that... there's only time for improvement. And I'm okay with being "busy" cuddling with the kids and making sure they know that they are loved and taken care of.
Pretty much everything I do doesn't require acceptance from my peers. I take pictures for other people, but I don't do photography for accolades. I do crafts and pull things off Pinterest to cook (sometimes, when it's not the typical toddler friendly, easy meals), but I don't do it to be "accepted" or "cool," or to get attention. I don't need to fit into any sort of mold. Also I'm pretty sure "blog writer" only fits in the category of cool if you're doing it for money. I'm not.
I have several priorities: My children, my own sanity, my family's health, my business (it is helping SO many people), soccer, photography, friends, and while we're at it... this damn blog.
I love this blog. I don't think the writing is perfect or deep, and sometimes that aches at me (especially with my literature background). I don't think the photography is stellar or perfect, but it matters to me. And the reason that I do it is not so that family and friends can keep up (although that's a perk), it's because my kids will read it someday.
Do you know how fast our fingernails grow? Seems very uninteresting, right? They grow fast. I just edited some pictures I took 3 months ago. Pictures that I deemed "unworthy" and "not very good." Given some time... I saw kids 1/2 an inch shorter with fatter little baby faces compared to the little smiling cheeks I see today. I missed that day, and it wasn't because I was behind a camera. It was because our lives moved so fast and our brains quickly forget. Also, the pictures weren't nearly as bad as I thought they were.
When you photograph your kids daily and write down what they said yesterday and what they say today, you see progress in hindsight... you also don't MISS the progress. On a day to day basis I miss the progress. I move fast. I take in the moments, I sit on the floor, I engage in conversations and I hug and hug and hug when I have no words for my love... and then they are fleetingly gone, and I'm only left with a few mumbles or a quick smile in my memory. I don't want to forget. No matter how long I sit in front of the fire with my oldest and talk about how Santa will get burned if we don't turn off the fire that Daddy "hooked up" for us, I forget the message and the details. I need the details. Those of you reading... the friends and family I share this blog with... you may not need them. I absolutely, 100% do. And I know my kids will like having a BOOK of their childhood and how much their mommy loves them (Last count, I think this blog could fill 6 binders.)
In the moment, or the week or month, I enjoy looking through the pictures I took, remembering the story verbatim and then writing it down, because I want them to know the details that made me fall more and more in love with them. When I look at my children I see spectacular creatures of originality, and that is something that is completely priceless to me and to them. I want them to know that I see it and that they are completely free to be who they are, even if they lose it sometimes.
I make this blog a priority for them and it satisfies my need to stop time for half a second and revel in the beauty that is our lives, because it is so fleeting and rare to be so blessed. I may give in to "too busy," sometimes, but as long as I have my camera, my typing fingers, and a sane mind, they will have my every thought and artistic vision of how I see them grow up.
The next 3 blog posts will be dedicated to each of them... one each... and will be boring to those who aren't me or them, but they fill me up with a desire to keep moving and a realization that I've done some things right. I've already edited the pictures and the words just come pouring out of my head while I smile at their individuality. These pictures that I thought were horrible 3 months ago speak to me on a very different level now. Where others see flaws, I see a time where Claire actually wore socks without crying. Or that Colin feels completely valiant, and Adam is falling comfortably into his personality without apology.
Or... perhaps... it's just because I'm their mother.
I only hope that I can be enough of a mother to give them wings when they feel they have none.
"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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